As i reach the end of 09.

Okay, so.
I am 40 days away from turning sixteen.
I think this is kind of where childish ends.
I don't mean it in that way i'll still play with my food, run around like a loser and always have a messy room. How i mean is that i think it's time to start thinking more as an adult rather than a child. I kind of want to think about how i want my life to turn out, the people i want with me and the people i don't.
So i'm pretty excited to hit sixteen. I'm really looking forward to the joint party i'm having with a girl that means more to me than i can share.
I'm looking forward to being able to go for my Learners most of all though, i become a senior.
I think this is all alot to change in just one day.
So that's all to look forward to for 2010.
Let's look at 2009.
Wow, so far this has been my favourite year. So i kickstarted it by dating the biggest loser ever -_-'! Managed to pretty much get a job i now hate :) though i have things to thank that place for.
I made friends that i thought were the all time high of my life. I can't begin to tell you how wrong i was. I have not had any troubles with any friends since i started year eight. This year was a rollercoaster i did not pay for. I am so thankful for all the memories i shared with those girls, i had some of the greatest times! I still have photos of them around my room, i still have memories and to be honest if they were to walk back apologise and talk everything over i'd probably have them back again. But they showed me something i really needed to see. That was that i had all the friends i needed right there infront of me i was just too selfish to see it. This blog pretty much is dedicated to them.
so firstly i think one person i need to say the most to is Kathleen - we shared a friendship so good, i can't begin to say how perfect it was to me, i know we will never get it back and i am the one to blame for that but if you see things the way i do now i feel that we are only getting closer, and i hope that we can get as close as we can again even if things aren't the same. You are one of the prettiest most amazing girls that walks this earth and i regret each and everyday for everything i have done to jeopardise (sp?) everything we had.
Next.
Yvonne - You've been there for me every step of the way since we met. You are one of my closest friends and i think that if i ever completely lost you i would be like dead :)
but the thing is that i knew you were there for me so much that i took it for granted, idk how but you say that i haven't done anything but lately i've noticed just how much you mean to me and i value you in my life and that i also don't want to lose you.
Sophie - I know you aren't one for the mushy i love you crap but i'm just gonna say that im glad you're my friend and probably one of the closest so just know that i appreciate you ;D

i have to say before i go on,
if you read the posts below i know that they say things like no one cared and stuff. Don't take that to heart. I know everyone knew i wasn't right. I know everyone really knew what was going on. I pushed you all away. I'm so ashamed of what i've done. but i can't stress this enough i really don't want anyone to say anything.
my life has changed. i sat down and basically said to myself "Chelsea, work it out". So i did.
Keep reading, i have more to say.
So to the new friends i have made this year.
To Millie - You're there for me alot, whenever i've been upset even if you don't intend to you make me laugh :)
Katt - You've been there for me so much this year, i probably have pulled back a bit but like i've said i know who my real friends are now so i'll be sure to make you realise i didn't mean to.
Mikayla - I feel like i can tell you anything. you have been there for me so much this year. Like i can't begin to explain how thankful i am.
so just to say
that i'm glad i'm closer to jessie, miriam, nicole, Georgia, Cailin.
Amber + Amelia this year i am glad that things aren't like they used to be, i'm actually glad i can now say you're my friends.
Matt with everything that has happened with either of us, everything you tell me is safe in my heart.
Gabby, you're no longer just my friend, you're not just someone i know. i actually talk to you about things, i feel like we're alot closer than we used to be, i love it.
i'm missing someone D:!
Tell me if its you! haha.

Jess, i have to say what really is on my mind. We aren't as close as we used to be, it's obvious. I'm still going to be friends with you, of course. I just don't know where we stand.

So basically. This year i have found out who i am, who i want to be. Who my real friends are. Who i want in my life and who i don't want in my life. I learned lessons. I learned that razor blades are a cowards best friend. I learned to be stronger. I learned to be me.

Half way through the year i feel like i went through the biggest heart break of my life and i have Alice to thank for being there for me through that :)

I have to finish off with i'm so glad i have chris at this point in my life. He's really the icing on the cake, He stopped me from making some pretty stupid decisions but i'm glad he doesn't have to see me as a mess. I love him so much.

One person who has impacted my last few months is Belinda. oh my god, i can't begin to explain how much she means to me, sure she's one of those girls i've just become good friends with but i've known her for a while now. Belinda i trust you so so so sos so sos so sso much! i love you heaps and i'm so glad you're a part of my life.

And lastly, holly.
This girl owns half of my heart . She is half of me. I've lost count of how many times i've rang her crying. I don't know how many times she has made me cry of laughter. I can't think of how many times she has held me in her arms while my tears fell. I am not kidding but whenever i think about losing her i start crying (i have actually started crying now). If everyone was to walk out i think she'd still be there and i'll probably commit suicide at her funeral :) She carries me, yeah i'm going to stop rambling on but I just love her so fucking much.

So to everyone, like i said earlier to the posts before this, don't say anything don't bother reading them i have kept them there as a reminder that things have been worse for me and to keep strong :)

I love my life, everyone in it :)

BRING ON 2010 :)!

changed.

wow, so i'm not giving up anymore.
i'm fighting everything with all the strength i have,
so we still aren't talking, but you get that
I refuse to give up but i also refuse to look stupid.
I have come to realise some of the people in my life mean more to me than ever before.
Tbh, i still dont really care if i got hit by a car tomorrow or something.
i can be so damn moody it's not funny, and im not who everyone wants me to be but they'll live now wont they.
People can't help to have a fucking opinion,
its all judgemental,
i wore shorts to a party on the weekend and completely forgot about what i had done to my legs,
yeah read the post below.
and everyone had something to say.
no one wanted to care about why i'd done it or if i was okay, it was all judgemental.
im still alive aren't i and there is only really one person to thank for that.
im scared that when he leaves me which probably wont be long, that i won't know what im doing with myself.
I have my two best friends and if any three of these people left, my life would no longer be liveable.
There is also this one guy, who is a part of my past. but it took me so long to get past him and all i wanted was to still be friends and as long as it took i'm glad we're getting back there. it means alot.
It hurt me so much to watch my mother walk around, looking at me and not knowing why i wouldnt talk, why i was always crying and i know she saw it all,
she had to stop me.
i am so thankful for everything she does for me.
basically this blog was to say how much i appreciate my boy, i love him so much and i know it's kinda early to say it, but i only say things i mean.
to my two best mates please, please never let anything come between us.
:)
things are all better
no one worry anymore.

My life just before i hit sixteen.

Well hey there,
it's been a while and alot has changed.
so finally, i found someone ^_^
He is amazing, he makes me feel like i am actually appreciated, like i'm noticed. i feel loved.
i wouldn't trade him and i really hope this lasts.
i am nine weeks away from hitting sixteen,
i will be able to get my license, i will be a senior. i will be older :)
Though there is part of me dragging behind.
i lost someone very, very close to me.
She knew more about me than anyone and tbh i'm scared because of that.
She is happy now and i guess that's all that matters but it would have been nice to once feel appreciated, or to atleast know what i did wrong. At times i miss her so so so much, and at other times i'm just like "psh yeah don't need her" though i know i do.
i have to be honest here,
i promised that i would never harm myself, i promised that i would keep those damn blades away from me.
Losing her, it couldnt stop me.
i don't know if i should be blogging this but if she reads this she will finally know,
i tried, three times. To give up. To quit. In one week.
turns out you can't acutally kill yourself in a bathtub.
bleeding doesnt do much either.
And the thing is, my new guy - saved my life.
no joke, i will not tell him this because i dont want him to know the old me, but i had it planned.
i drew it out.
i knew exactly how i was going to do it, when and i knew to do it so it would work.
and wow, my mom just walked in. god if she knew this.
anyway. the day after we got together was the day i was planning,
this may seem lame and it may seem stupid or that im just after attention,
this is the first time i have admitted it. and i dont know if anyone's going to read it.
but i lost everyone, everything and i had hit rock bottom.
i still haven't fully picked up. not til i know i have EVERYONE back but i dont see it happening.
So there you have it
:)