changed.

wow, so i'm not giving up anymore.
i'm fighting everything with all the strength i have,
so we still aren't talking, but you get that
I refuse to give up but i also refuse to look stupid.
I have come to realise some of the people in my life mean more to me than ever before.
Tbh, i still dont really care if i got hit by a car tomorrow or something.
i can be so damn moody it's not funny, and im not who everyone wants me to be but they'll live now wont they.
People can't help to have a fucking opinion,
its all judgemental,
i wore shorts to a party on the weekend and completely forgot about what i had done to my legs,
yeah read the post below.
and everyone had something to say.
no one wanted to care about why i'd done it or if i was okay, it was all judgemental.
im still alive aren't i and there is only really one person to thank for that.
im scared that when he leaves me which probably wont be long, that i won't know what im doing with myself.
I have my two best friends and if any three of these people left, my life would no longer be liveable.
There is also this one guy, who is a part of my past. but it took me so long to get past him and all i wanted was to still be friends and as long as it took i'm glad we're getting back there. it means alot.
It hurt me so much to watch my mother walk around, looking at me and not knowing why i wouldnt talk, why i was always crying and i know she saw it all,
she had to stop me.
i am so thankful for everything she does for me.
basically this blog was to say how much i appreciate my boy, i love him so much and i know it's kinda early to say it, but i only say things i mean.
to my two best mates please, please never let anything come between us.
:)
things are all better
no one worry anymore.

My life just before i hit sixteen.

Well hey there,
it's been a while and alot has changed.
so finally, i found someone ^_^
He is amazing, he makes me feel like i am actually appreciated, like i'm noticed. i feel loved.
i wouldn't trade him and i really hope this lasts.
i am nine weeks away from hitting sixteen,
i will be able to get my license, i will be a senior. i will be older :)
Though there is part of me dragging behind.
i lost someone very, very close to me.
She knew more about me than anyone and tbh i'm scared because of that.
She is happy now and i guess that's all that matters but it would have been nice to once feel appreciated, or to atleast know what i did wrong. At times i miss her so so so much, and at other times i'm just like "psh yeah don't need her" though i know i do.
i have to be honest here,
i promised that i would never harm myself, i promised that i would keep those damn blades away from me.
Losing her, it couldnt stop me.
i don't know if i should be blogging this but if she reads this she will finally know,
i tried, three times. To give up. To quit. In one week.
turns out you can't acutally kill yourself in a bathtub.
bleeding doesnt do much either.
And the thing is, my new guy - saved my life.
no joke, i will not tell him this because i dont want him to know the old me, but i had it planned.
i drew it out.
i knew exactly how i was going to do it, when and i knew to do it so it would work.
and wow, my mom just walked in. god if she knew this.
anyway. the day after we got together was the day i was planning,
this may seem lame and it may seem stupid or that im just after attention,
this is the first time i have admitted it. and i dont know if anyone's going to read it.
but i lost everyone, everything and i had hit rock bottom.
i still haven't fully picked up. not til i know i have EVERYONE back but i dont see it happening.
So there you have it
:)