My life just before i hit sixteen.

Well hey there,
it's been a while and alot has changed.
so finally, i found someone ^_^
He is amazing, he makes me feel like i am actually appreciated, like i'm noticed. i feel loved.
i wouldn't trade him and i really hope this lasts.
i am nine weeks away from hitting sixteen,
i will be able to get my license, i will be a senior. i will be older :)
Though there is part of me dragging behind.
i lost someone very, very close to me.
She knew more about me than anyone and tbh i'm scared because of that.
She is happy now and i guess that's all that matters but it would have been nice to once feel appreciated, or to atleast know what i did wrong. At times i miss her so so so much, and at other times i'm just like "psh yeah don't need her" though i know i do.
i have to be honest here,
i promised that i would never harm myself, i promised that i would keep those damn blades away from me.
Losing her, it couldnt stop me.
i don't know if i should be blogging this but if she reads this she will finally know,
i tried, three times. To give up. To quit. In one week.
turns out you can't acutally kill yourself in a bathtub.
bleeding doesnt do much either.
And the thing is, my new guy - saved my life.
no joke, i will not tell him this because i dont want him to know the old me, but i had it planned.
i drew it out.
i knew exactly how i was going to do it, when and i knew to do it so it would work.
and wow, my mom just walked in. god if she knew this.
anyway. the day after we got together was the day i was planning,
this may seem lame and it may seem stupid or that im just after attention,
this is the first time i have admitted it. and i dont know if anyone's going to read it.
but i lost everyone, everything and i had hit rock bottom.
i still haven't fully picked up. not til i know i have EVERYONE back but i dont see it happening.
So there you have it
:)